That was a long-assed sentence.
Having a blog is probably more for the writer than the reader in any case. Basically a blog can be nothing more than a public diary, wherein you carefully decide what thoughts and opinions you want to share and have others perhaps comment on and what thoughts and opinions will stay buried inside forever.
I've also decided on making my first "real" entry on something that will become a series on this blog, huge mistakes I've made.
The first huge mistake I'll talk about is my ability to rely on unreliable people. Of course, I'm not saying I'm Captain Stability myself. I can flake with the best of them, but I like to believe my excuses are valid and my intentions good, and the occurrences ultimately rarer.
The probably childhood example probably comes from having a mother who perhaps wasn't exactly ready and raring to go for the job, but like most things about childhood, it's boring and pointless.
The more recent examples stem from when I lived in Atlanta. The ones I have at the most ready are assuming my buddy was ready to move out with me before he actually was. He later was ready just a few short months later. I declined and he then proceeded to move in with two attractive females and come thisclose to a threeway. Life is funny like that. I had also convinced myself somehow that there would be absolutely no way I could ever write a script or complete a creative project without someone else's help (largely his since he had expressed interest, had a similar personality and also could have used a quick hotshot to fame and fortune.) One Playwriting and Screenwriting course later each and I realize just how stupid that was. I just needed someone to get on my ass and make me. And once the initial fear hurdle was jumped, the floodgates were opened and I was free to write dozens of pages on tens of projects. All of them about mixed metaphors.
When I moved up to Kansas City, I had hoped that my trend towards attracting unreliable people would be over, as would any and all habits and attributes I disliked about myself. How wrong I was. For one, moving does not automatically give you a six pack. Also, I still have more flakes than a Head & Shoulders commercial.
I seem to have forged a double-edged sword with a combination of not attracting a ton of people, with exceptions to others who don't attract a ton of people. It always mystifies me when I see some of my acquaintances interact on my newsfeed on Facebook and how they have groups several people strong and each one is constantly posting on every other one's wall.
My compatriots consist of a young engaged woman who has canceled all but the first outside-of-school get-together. I have another engaged friend who has her own stress and insecurities to overcome, and so far this summer we've managed to torpedo two seemingly ironclad opportunities to hang out due largely to not being able to get out of our own way.
I can't hate on them, though, because it's not really their fault. The first engaged girl has invited me to birthday parties and trivia, but ehhh. The other one is my closest friend up here, and still one of my closest friends overall, but she's got her own life to try to wrangle. Whether or not we see each other before she moves is probably not a big concern in the grand scheme of things.
The majority of my annoyance is directed at another group. Last school year I had met someone who had many of the same faults as I did. Procrastination. Low self-esteem combined with high self-esteem when it came to work. General apathy. Major boredom. We hung out a lot and even talked of forming a production company named for our secret, petty desire to make all of our doubters and haters and human obstacles clench their fists in envy and failure. Then she and they fell off the face of the earth, kind of. Now, ironically, I've forged ahead with the production company and she and they have joined the list of people for me to show up.
(It's kind of funny/sad what our little daydreams were. Essentially people that we disliked would find out through the grapevine that we were "making it" and having stories on This American Life or selling shows to Adult Swim or what-have-you, and they would rage and howl at how those assholes could do it, and how, being in a somewhat competitive field such as English where everyone is trying to get the same editorial positions or screenwriting slots from studios it stings everytime it's not you... but especially when it turned out to be us.)
And I've no doubt that a showing up they shall endure. I mean, when your post-grad plans are basically consisting of "I dunno," competition is not really on the forefront. I've known people like this, and while Buddha knows what I'll be doing in ten years, something tells me I could go to certain restaurants and find them still serving me food. I'm writing and planning as hard as ever. The waiting is all.
I suppose I could look inward and see what drives me to these people. I don't live on campus like my engaged friends. As for the other flakes, we admittedly have much in common in regards to pop culture and goals. I'm never going to go to a frat party or card game or sporting event, more than likely. Will I see Electric Six or LCD Soundsystem should they come to Kansas City? Probably.
Sheesh. This turned out to be a long entry. I can only wonder who is still reading. My basic point is that I need to, and should, learn a better self-reliance, so I can more easily accomplish my goals whether they match someone else's or not. Because my goals also rely on creating jealousy and self-hatred, and that's worth working for.
To keep this blog interesting and visual, I'm gonna put in pictures and videos. I was gonna use "Never There" by Cake, since it kind of fits, but I couldn't find the official video. So here's something half-assed I found on Vimeo. Enjoy!
Lib Dub - Never There from Adam Needs on Vimeo.
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